Irksome people in Starbucks

General Disclaimer: i am not the authorof this whole thing. I gathered some opinions and thoughts from other sbux customers, patrons and bloggers. to my barista friends who may find this offensive, biased, or in any manner, prejudicial, i plead for your kind compassion and indulgence.  

Here are types of people you’ll find inside a Starbucks that are guaranteed to annoy you.

Manager/Barista Who Refuses to Recognize the Words Small, Medium, and Large

I understand, you’re a corporate guy and thus must abide by company policies by calling the different sizes by their Starbucks Christian names of Venti, Grande, Tall, etc…. But if I ask you for a small, don’t act like I’m speaking to you in that Native American langauge we used in World War II to deliver coded messages. You’re familiar with the sizes small, medium and large.

Families with SCREEEEEEAMING kids.

families with screaming kids jumping and screaming all over the couches including yours. Those kids are hyper, they don’t need more sugar and caffeine to make them bounce all over the place. They should ban hyper kids from starbucks together with smoking

 Intern Who is Buying for the Entire Office

This guy shows up with a legal pad full of hastily scribbled orders. “Yeah, I’m gonna need 24 tall skinny soy lattes with sugar free hazelnut extra hot…and 32 grande no caff cappuccinos with light whip cream, sugar free hazelnut and vanilla with white chocolate mocha. And 14 grande supremos with a triple shot, sugar free vanilla, extra white mocha, no whip, no foam and an extra drizzle. Oh, and can I get a smiley face on the bottom of all those?” HAHAHA! And he knows if one of these orders is screwed up, it’s going to cost him a chance at the a full-time gig as assistant editor where he can bring coffee to even more important people. So instead of just grabbing his bags and leaving, he inspects all 70-odd cups in his 17 flimsy cardboard holders. If you get behind this guy, you may as well give up any hopes of getting a cup of joe in your lifetime. You’re better off flying to the nearest Seattle’s Best or run to the next convenience store and get a bottled water and Extra joss energy drink instead LOL!

The Writer Who Wants You to Know he/she is a Writer

Being a writer is a pretty cool occupation, but unfortunately you can’t tell someone’s a writer just by looking at them. And having to tell someone you’re a writer is way less impressive. Therefore, these people go to the busiest Starbucks and pop open their Macbook, making sure their screen is clearly displaying a full page of text. Their next step is to make sure they’re facing away from where everyone goes to pick up their drinks while staring at the screen while remembering to take deep breaths which will indicate to others that deep and creative thought that normal minds are not capable of, is taking place. Who gives a shit if an asshole and his mac have spent six hours taking up a table normally reserved for four people, it’s important you know that they’re juggling a complex story about a boy in Alaska who comes of age and befriends a bear. Or perhaps they’re just typing “the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy head dog” few times haha.

Overly Happy Line Greeter/Order Taker

At some point, the Starbucks Corporation realized that their growing legions of employees didn’t have the best people skills. Their answer was to create their own version of the Italianni’s Greeter who also takes your order. But since they don’t pay shit, you end up having some chit-chat down your throat. Instead of waiting to pay for your overpriced frapp in peace, you have to deal with: “Goooooood morning today! How are you? Some kinda weather we’re having isn’t it? I wish I was outside in the park! Wouldn’t that be nice? It’s sooooo sunny! And what’s better for you than a nice big dose of Mr. Sun! Maybe some coffee? Ha! So, what can we get you today? Need a little pick-me-up? You do! I think we ALL could use one, yes we could! YES WE COULD! Anyway, I’ll get this frapp order right up for you. What’s your name? Gerald? That’s my cousin’s name! Small world. Yes. It. Is. Small world indeed….Hi! And how are you doing today?!?!”

The Guy Who Hates Starbucks But Goes There Every Day

Armed with armchair political rants, this guy is the world’s biggest bore and the world’s biggest hypocrite combined into one big uber-bigot. He won’t shut up about how Starbucks is bad for the environment and how they’re taking over the world and how their coffee totally “doesn’t taste like the gourmet stuff downtown.” But when you bring up the fact that he’s ranting about Starbucks while he’s actually inside a Starbucks, his crappy hippie-wannabe excuses just start piling up. “Well, here’s the thing, I just didn’t have time to make it over to my usual coffee place. You know the one way over on 2nd Ave? Yeah, it’s one of the last mom and pop coffee shops in the area. I toooootally love that place. It’s so real. I was on my way over there, but the traffic was a killer, so I was totally forced to get my fix at this place. I mean, the rich get richer, right? That’s the law of the land. I totally can’t stand that I have to come here, but that’s what they do. They tie your hands, man. These big corporations. They just own you. They’re everywhere. Can you hand me one of those Splenda?”

Study Groups

Hey, screw the library with all it’s “room” and “group space.” It makes way more sense to go to an incredibly busy and crowded Starbucks with tables that have insufficient space to lay your books. Everyone knows you have a poli-sci midterm, mostly because they can hear every thing you’re saying because you’re yelling so that you can be heard over a frappucino being made.

The Person Who Peruses the DVD Section As If They Might Purchase.

It’s really great when you’re waiting in line behind somebody only to realize that they’re not in line, but instead deciding whether or not they want to purchase the “Pursuit of Happyness” DVD. “Gee what’s this movie Pursuit of Happyness about? I didn’t hear of it last summer when it grossed over 100 million dollars. Even though I’ve come here for coffee, I should carefully peruse the back cover to find out more about it!” Also, please don’t pick up a copy of “Akeelah and the Bee” as if you were going to buy it. No one buys that movie. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s not even a real movie, it was just a box cover created by a group of white Starbucks executives so that customers could hold it in their hands and pretend to read the back, giving the impression to those around them that they’re progressive thinkers who seek out and enjoy films with African American casts.

the wannabe MILFs and saucy Gals.

They are the worst. Normally, they ask for a sugar free vanilla latte…with only, like, 4 drops of vanilla. so the barista would put in the 4 drops and they would thank him, but they call the barista the wrong name. they walk out the door and they are gone. After about three seconds, they would come back in and demand a remake of their latte because it’s too sweet and they wanted it with soy or skim milk or some shit )

Persons who talk really, really LOUD trying to catch attention.

the person on the cell phone who wants you all to know how important/popular/fun he/she is, so they talk really loud and you can’t tune them out. I will leave the store rather than listen . . . hmmm. . . .maybe that’s the goal . . . maybe there is no one on the other end of that phone . . . maybe it’s all made up to evacuate the Starbucks and get that table for four.

The chic-hunters

They usually pick the chair at the corner. If you turn the chair over you will find their signature. Usually middle aged guy. At the beginning of the month they go to the ATM machine and withdraw an assigned STARBUCKS budget for the rest of the month. You find them there everyday under any kind of weather condition. If they’re not, then they’re under the obituary section in the newspaper haha.

They pretend to read the newspaper when in reality they’re there to stare at everyone and keep tap on everything. They’re extremely punctual and and stay there for considerably LOOONG time. They spy on chics who are alone and seemingly approachable.